To most in my life, I believe I seem very happy, positive, and always smiling. What many don’t realize is that being positive does not mean I have no negative experiences, it means that I believe in the good despite of the bad. I am strong in my faith that I experience every situation to grow in one way or another. While in high school I battled depression, having a great life and nothing to seemingly be sad about only compounded my feelings by adding a tremendous amount of guilt on my shoulders. I felt ungrateful and would try to rationalize my sadness away, but that did not change the way I felt. I needed to find a way to truly love my self, which came within the next few years. Now looking back at my younger self I wish I could give her a large hug and explain that many of my fellow teens feel similarly, it’s just that no one talked about it.
I’ve been thoroughly enjoying my journey of self-love and growth since this dark time, but it doesn’t stop old thought trains from running through my head once in a while. This is one of the reasons I am so passionate about helping others see the bright side, radiating positivity, and being kind to every stranger I meet, you truly never know what someone else is going through. In the fall of 2015 I found myself in a very dark place mentally. I am grateful that I chose to continue writing during this time. Now I am looking back through my journal and as I read through I can see my thought process change, I read the hard work I put in to not allow myself to slip farther into the darkness. And I am so damn proud of myself. Today, I’m taking it one step further by sharing one of the poems I wrote back in October. Maybe my words will help someone else and maybe they’ll just sit on this page unnoticed, but either way it feels good to stand up high on the mountain and look down into the valley where I used to be. Hopefully I can help someone else get out of their own valley.
Today I will crumble
Tomorrow I’ll be bright, tomorrow I will love
But today, tonight, I allow myself to crumble.
Tomorrow I will laugh, tomorrow I will shine,
But tonight, I will crumble.
Tonight I will feel the emotions I have stuffed up tight, the ones leaking out of the corners of my eyes.
Today I will crumble
I will crumble with love
I will crumble under self-compassion
No pity, no fear, but love.
The energy of love weighing deep on my soul.
Today I might crumble, but tomorrow, tomorrow I will RISE.
Rise Phoenix, Rise